Inspiration is a funny thing isn’t it? I’ve been thinking about it a lot recently, as I’ve had “Start my Medium writing” on my To Do list for weeks, but haven’t found the inspiration to start.
It struck me today that I’m not sure whether inspiration is the be all and end all. I think working at something, finding inspiration through experimentation and effort is also possible. I have felt so very uninspired recently, so much of what is going on in the world is causing my inner optimist to cower and recede, that I didn’t think I had anything to write about. Or at least nothing more than a succession of angry rants.
But this evening, as I sat down and started watching a documentary about Clarence Avant, a man I have never heard of, but who seems to know every famous African American, I felt the urge to write. I thought of all the people in that documentary, how at some point they would have doubted themselves and faced periods of feeling uninspired. They risked it though, they put themselves and their ideas and their art out there.
Being a perfectionist isn’t always good. It’s hardly ever good actually, it’s been the reason I haven’t dared to take risks in my life. Well, that’s not true, I have taken silly risks with my security sometimes, and my relationship choices have at times been risky. I seem to have taken risks with things that matter hugely, my heart and my security, but have remained terrified of risking my pride and making a fool of myself. More than anything, I have been scared of looking like an idiot to others. I have been most afraid of the judgement of others so I am my own worst critic.
I’m 40 now, and have lived through some life changing events in the last 12 months. I want so much to leave my fear in the past, I want to try to risk ridicule and judgement, but to keep my heart and my self safe.
I have written a more positive To Do list, with things on it that scare and excite me in equal measure. And now I can cross something off that list.
